[deus_ex_machina]

There is a very good chance that Alan Wake will be at E3 2009.

However, E3 doesn't start until tomorrow.

So I figured out the ULTIMATE way to kill time : MONKEY'S PAW GAME!!!

The rules are simple. The person before you wishes for something and you grant the wish, but add a bad outcome.

I'll start.


I wish I had Alan Wake.

[Demite]

Granted, but you don't get the game, you infact get the real Alan Wake coming to your door asking 'have you seen my wife?', and following that you suddenly become incredibly tired and weary, passing out as the world begins to paradoxically melt and turn into a hanging cadance. You wake up in a fright, realising it was all just a nightmare, and theres still one more day to go....

My go.

I wish i had the ability to play this game properly.

[Michael A. H.]

Granted, you get to play the game in a huge vertual reality system! but you get so absorbed into the world that once you come out the fear and torment has shattered your mind forever and you are commited to a mental home, alone and forgotten with only your nightmares to keep you company!

I wish they show alan wake xbox 360 gameplay footage at e3 instead of a trailer!

[AlexarowFS]

HHAaaa hahha : Your wish is my command

The game you grant, ALAN WAKE, it will be there.
AND even more...... in the conference room where microsoft will be releasing the first gameplay of Mr. Wake there will be a panel of Xbox 360's on one of the walls. 1600 little green circles X 1400 little green circles. all the 360's in this panel will be interconnected in order to run on the first ever 3D ROOM, released by Microsoft. This room will put the player in the most realistic endeavor of his/her life. The Player will become one with Mr. Wake as thousands watch him/her make their way through the most detailed environment.
Too bad that just before the final loading screen in the game all the world is ripped apart and the electricity is stripped from any in that room.....Except from the PANEL OF 360's which now have gone into HAVOC mode. ALL the green circles are replaced one by one, domino style from the top to the bottom....... by the RED RING OF DEATH.......smoke fills the room and all that can be seen is the red glowing, pixel like, RROD's. Suddenly A portion of the red pixels turn off, the rest creating 2 red eyes. The sound turns on, loud scretching and repetition of banging metal, and chainsaw ripping through hard glass.

Suddenly the whole E3 room is ripped apart.........Far away standing a machine... no no a man.. a robot stood still as if guarding, his Gatling gun held at waist height pointed at all the people..........

You are now the realm of the machines.....



I wish that time itself will bend and i would be transported to tomorrow so i could watch the live feed on E3, Alan Wake.

[yogibbear]

Granted. But tomorrow they announced that Remedy is indeed bankrupt due to playing too much Team Fortress 2. Alan Wake is cancelled. Here is your last 5 minute gameplay footage video released by Microsoft to get another publisher interested so they can sell it off for a decent amount of cash from the hype they generate.

I wish that Alan Wake is perfect. Well as close to perfect as a game can get without having a tediously long development time.

[GENE_BC]

Granted, But be aware, You will come to an end and the time will be your tomb forever. Suppose you are transported to future. there is no way to come back and of course you won,t be able to wait untill we reach you. It,s a gap that without any bridge. Goodbye AlexarowFS, Live or Die, make your choise.

I wish I were Alan Wake.

[bstarter29]

Granted. You're Alan Wake, but you're a video game character. You don't actually exist.

I wish Alan Wake would bring the scary back to video games and scare the shit out of me.

[dan2091]

Granted. It'll bring back the scary back for you... But, everytime you save your game and turn off the game, everything that you played will become true... Especially for the TV Shows that appeared on the game (if they're any). You turn on the TV and there's the same TV Shows from the game... and after the show ends you'll be damned to see the same commercials forever, mwha hahah ah ha!!

I wish Alan Wake meet Max Payne.

[Ruuttu]

Granted, but Max will kill Alan at first sight and you'll have to play the rest of the game with a wrong character. Our dear old Max will have only flashlight, though...

I wish Alan can eat potatoe chips. Or crisps. Or whatever.

[Windom]

Granted, Alan can in fact eat potato chips, crisps, donuts, walsperry cakes and so on.After playing AW for hour or so you wake up in realization, that only thing you can do in this oh-so-arcade game, is eat every imaginable food that comes your way.Also you have flashlight so you can examine every food properly.To make it even worse, AW has 30 hours of gameplay.

I wish that alan can kill people of brighfalls with wooden sword.

[Driftkid47]

Granted. But the wooden sword will break after trying to kill a demon. A splinter will enter alans head through his eye and slowly, but painfully kill him.

[Ruuttu]

You didn't wish anything.

Granted. You'll have nothing. No release date. No trailer. Nothing. The bad thing about it... Oh, wait.. Now that was dumb.

I wish there will be cinematic scenes which are interactive in some way, shape or form. It's dull to just watch.

[bstarter29]

Granted. You'll have your QTE's, but there'll be one like Metal Gear Solid where you have to hit a button in rapid succession, or it's Game Over. Except unlike MGS, there is no submission button. You find the quick hits to be too much, and can never actually finish Alan Wake.

I wish Alan had a dog in the game that comes in for last minutes saves just as Alan is about to be mauled by a wild animal in the woods.

[GENE_BC]

granted, but that dog will enter your nightmare and turns into a scary sh!t pant monster and sucks your blood till the last drop.

I wish I was in the shoes of Markus, then I would know all the story.

[himynamesryan]

Granted, but the bad thing is, you won't have much purpose for playing the game, You know too much...

I wish it were possible that Remedy decided to release the game a little earlier.

[shwhjw]

Granted, it's possible. But they dont.

I wish a copy of the Alan Wake (full) game disc would materialise on my desk right now.

[Dante]

Quote:

Originally Posted by shwhjw

Granted, it's possible. But they dont.

I wish a copy of the Alan Wake (full) game disc would materialise on my desk right now.

Granted, but the game isn't done yet. So you would play a buggy game and become angry.

I wish, that Alans Alice is a great and interesting character in the game, you will love as the player and suffer with Alan about her lost.

[Ruuttu]

Granted, but you'll love Alice so much you'll become obsessed about her and you can never finish the game 'cause you have to play the first scenes with her over and over again.

I wish Alan Wake would have humour. A lot.

[shwhjw]

Granted, but Alan has is extremely obsessed with toilet humour and fart jokes. Occasionally, when the tension gets high, Alan pauses mid-stride to let a fart rip. He then doesnt stop laughing out loud for several minutes, and falls about like a drunk person. Oh, and don't forget the canned laughter.

Moving off of Alan for a second -- I wish the cup of tea on my desk was no longer cold.

[sdrawkcab]

Granted, but as you drink it, you realize it's so hot, it burns through your throat and stomach. Your favourite shirt; nothing but torn, acid burnt fabrics. But, strangely enough...you can't stop drinking it.

Mmmm....Yum!

I wish I could make a wish in this game, without something bad happening

[jester131]

Granted!
Your wish comes true and turns into a friggin' nightmare because nothing bad is happening at all. Then it turns out that Alan likes the small town atmosphere (where nothing bad is happening) so much that he decides to write a lame "Full House" kind of series where the worst case scenario is some boring family issue (Alice: "Allan, Wake Up. WAKE UP, damn it!!!" - Alan: "For christ's sake, it's 6:00 o'clock on a sunday! Get the hell out of here!").

To everyone who does not know what "Full House" is: you lucky bastards

I wish that there is a room in Bright Falls that refers to the red room in Twin Peaks. And Alan has a dream where everyone is talking backwards!

[Stand Still!]

Granted!

I know E3 has already come but still this is fun.

There is a red room in Alan Wake, however this is the only intersting part of the game, and it is at the end. To reach it you must slog through hour after hour of mindless killing and perdictable plot twists, also it only lasts 15 seconds.

I wish that the "Biggest Fan" in Alan Wake would get a diffrent voice. The current one makes me think of a girl version of Mater from Cars.

[sdrawkcab]

Granted!

But, as the game slowly builds...she just won't shut up! She's everywhere, popping up in the back seat of Alan's ride when he's driving...

She somehow finds ways into his bathroom, closet, even when he's home having a pitiful masturbating session with himself...she's there, always present, blabbering her big mouth, til you ears start to bleed.

Worst of all...the more she talks...the lounder her voice becomes, so much so, that everything else in the game cannot be heard...and for some odd reason, everything else in real life cannot be heard, even if you try to turn the TV off...

I wish that I had enough room in my stomach to finish this glass of water...

[shwhjw]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sdrawkcab

I wish that I had enough room in my stomach to finish this glass of water...

Granted - your stomach is now bottomless. You will never ever be full again.

And, because it's bottomless, whatever you eat never gets any further than your stomach. You die of starvation. (bit harsh, but i've written it now)

I wish that when you buy a special edition copy of Alan Wake at the store, you get yourself an Alan Wake action figure, complete with working flashlight.

[Danzaiver]

Quote:

Originally Posted by shwhjw

I wish that when you buy a special edition copy of Alan Wake at the store, you get yourself an Alan Wake action figure, complete with working flashlight.

Granted!!!

You return to your home with your game and your action figure.

When you stop playing the game and decide to sleep for a while the action figure turns alive and start talking about how he misses his wife and never let you sleep again

I wish I had bullet time in real life

[Kitt]

Granted. Everyone else lacks originality, so they all implement- er, I mean, gain- the ability to use bullet time as well. So we're all just moving at the same pace again.

I wish Harrison Ford could be young again to make many more amazing Indiana Jones films.

[sdrawkcab]

Granted!

But, he never stops de-aging. In fact, the next Indiana Jones film, is entitled...

Indiana Jones - No potty training. From the diaper to the embryo!

I wish I could communicate with animals using my thoughts.

[Stand Still!]

Granted.

But they can communicate with you too, and they will never shut up.
Every where you go you will hear, "Hey! Can you rub my belly?" or "Stop running I just want a nibble!!!" Your thoughts will be forever clouded with the thoughts of animals, eventually driving you insane.

I wish that I could get around to finishing A tale of two Cities, so I can get this summer project over with. (Darn video games you won today, but tommrow I just might actually do something... maybe. Actually I think I'll just wait till next week, start fresh.)

[himynamesryan]

Granted.

You finish your project, forget about it and go back to video games, and never STOP playing.

I'm not very good at this.

I wish everywhere in Alan Wake can be explored, buildings, woodland, abandoned roads, houses. And you can also do it at night.

[sdrawkcab]

GRANTED!

But, unfortunately...the game never pogresses. you start exploring EVERYTHING! In fact, he's no longer Alan Wake, the writer. He becomes Alan Wake, the explorer.

It's becoming a nuisance. You can't do a damn thing, but explore. You're exploring the most boring of places in the game...under people's beds, birds' nests, your pants pockets...then, you're teamed up with Dora The Explorer and...the boring, mindless exploration continues.

I wish I had my 500Gigbyte hard drive RIGHT NOW!

[Demite]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sdrawkcab

GRANTED!

But, unfortunately...the game never pogresses. you start exploring EVERYTHING! In fact, he's no longer Alan Wake, the writer. He becomes Alan Wake, the explorer.

It's becoming a nuisance. You can't do a damn thing, but explore. You're exploring the most boring of places in the game...under people's beds, birds' nests, your pants pockets...then, you're teamed up with Dora The Explorer and...the boring, mindless exploration continues.

I wish I had my 500Gigbyte hard drive RIGHT NOW!

Granted. But its broken.

I wish it was Spring 2010.

[Driftkid47]

Granted. But 1 day before the games release, earth collides with another planet causing the whole of humanity to be wiped out (except you), the remedy building and all the alan wake files destroyed and no alan wake.

I wish the game suddenly completed itself at 12 o clock tonight

[shwhjw]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Driftkid47

Granted. But 1 day before the games release, earth collides with another planet causing the whole of humanity to be wiped out (except you), the remedy building and all the alan wake files destroyed and no alan wake.

I wish the game suddenly completed itself at 12 o clock tonight

Granted, but it's Groundhog Day.

You live the same day over and over again, wishing the game were finished tonight... but you wake up only for it to be 7:00 this morning. Every day. The game never gets completed for you.

I wish that Venom (the Spiderman villian) were one of the bosses in Alan Wake.

[Kitt]

Granted! However, the darkness begins to possess Venom, conflicting with the wonky alien goop that is his costume, causing them to cancel each other out like a very convenient math problem, and turning Venom into regular old Eddie. So.. regular bloke versus Alan Wake with a gun. It's a quick fight, to say the least.

I wish that Alan Wake (the game) did NOT end in any of the following three scenarios:

-It was all a dream
-Alan is diagnosed as mentally ill
-They all lived happily ever after

[Demite]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitt

Granted! However, the darkness begins to possess Venom, conflicting with the wonky alien goop that is his costume, causing them to cancel each other out like a very convenient math problem, and turning Venom into regular old Eddie. So.. regular bloke versus Alan Wake with a gun. It's a quick fight, to say the least.

I wish that Alan Wake (the game) did NOT end in any of the following three scenarios:

-It was all a dream
-Alan is diagnosed as mentally ill
-They all lived happily ever after

Granted.

But it turns out he was just in a novel.

Ree Ree Ree.

I wish Alan has a dog, whose barks he can only unrealistically understand.

Whats that boy? Fire at the old mill?

[dan2091]

Granted, he's your best friend.. but it turns out that the dog can talk only because it's possesed by Alice's soul. Now she's your fiancée and you sleep with her, spending your life next to her forever... And the end scene is like Alice saying to Alan: "Alan... Wake up... It was all a dream" making Alan confident that the dog thing was just a dream, but when the blur is finally gone after waking up he realises that his dog (Alice) is driving the car to Bright Falls... so it will never end.

I wish Alan could swim, just like the dolphins.. like dolphins can swim.

[sdrawkcab]

Granted!

Meet Alan Wake, world renowned best selling writer. Sensitive to light, with a blow hole on his head, and a freakishly disgusting fin sticking out the side of his stomach!

I wish Man Payne 3 is as bad ass as we, the fans, want it to be.

[Kitt]

Granted! Max Payne is SOOO badass, despite his old age! In fact, he is so badass that he packs up his bags and runs at 180 mph to BRAZIL, the most badass place in South America. There he becomes involved in some unemotional, very bright and not-noir plotline, that is written by the only thing cooler than Sam Lake- a man dressed similarily to Sam Lake, but holding a cappuchino. Here in Brazil, Max begins experiencing some form of male menopause, as punishment for the player whenever they fail to attend one of their daily meetings for rehabilitation from his painkiller addiction. Since zombies are incredibly badass, Mona journeys to Brazil in attempt to stop Max from holding hospitals hostage to rob them of all painkillers.

Meanwhile, Max holds himself inside the hospital, listening to the in-game radio straight from GTA- could he BE any more badass?

Oh, and now, he can use four guns at the same time, and there are plenty of ragdoll physics.

..This sounds accurate.. Hmm..

I wish that Sam Lake would write his own novel.

[moldy_tomato]

Granted! But after the novel is finished, wind catches it and throws it in to a fireplace where it turns to ash and smoke.

I wish that this wish will never come true.

[sdrawkcab]

Granted!
...but it does...

...DUN DUN DUN!

EDIT To add: I wish I can tansform my bed room into my home studio at this very minute.