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  • Jokes

    Done a search and nothing came up

    Obviously post your jokes here but please dont post jokes that will offend as it's not right and well plainly dumb if you post a racist joke or whatever

    Please just post unusual jokes that you find funny. Laughter is happiness after all !!

    Here's an old one but still makes me chuckle to this day

    Qantas Airlines - Repair Division

    In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

    By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget
    Last edited by PotentialTERROR; 09-28-2010, 01:12 PM.

  • #2
    Re: Jokes

    I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
    He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Jokes

      Originally posted by nboland View Post
      I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
      He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
      this was really nice and I want to know how far he kicked that bucket hahahahaha

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Jokes

        Originally posted by nboland View Post
        I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
        He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
        Well if euthanasia was legalised in whichever country grandad is in then it's not quite so funny....
        Sarah Breaker > Barry Wheeler. Yep, I went there!

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Jokes

          There is one joke that rules them all. The Aristocrats.

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw10xa_xtNg

          Please be warned: This is the most dirty, disgusting and vile joke I have ever heard, but it's also the funniest I have ever heard. Viewer discretion advised.

          Edit: Feel free to post versions you think are "funnier" (there are hundreds of videos of the joke from famous comedians as they change they key bit to their own variation on it, the one linked above is just one of the funniest ones in my opinion).
          In a horror story, the victim keeps asking "Why?", but there cannot be any explanation.The unanswered mystery is the one that stays with us the longest, and it's what we'll remember in the end.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Jokes

            Originally posted by GunGrave TZA View Post
            There is one joke that rules them all. The Aristocrats.

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw10xa_xtNg

            Please be warned: This is the most dirty, disgusting and vile joke I have ever heard, but it's also the funniest I have ever heard. Viewer discretion advised.

            Edit: Feel free to post versions you think are "funnier" (there are hundreds of videos of the joke from famous comedians as they change they key bit to their own variation on it, the one linked above is just one of the funniest ones in my opinion).
            I'm back.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Jokes

              Originally posted by PotentialTERROR View Post
              Obviously post your jokes here but please dont post jokes that will offend as it's not right and well plainly dumb if you post a racist joke or whatever
              Originally posted by PotentialTERROR View Post
              Please just post unusual jokes that you find funny. Laughter is happiness after all !!
              These can not coexist

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Jokes

                I was on a first date with a girl I'd fancied for a while and the conversation turned to sex. She said, "What's the weirdest thing you've ever done with a girl?"

                I said, "To be honest, I've only ever had sex once, so nothing that weird."
                She said, "Once! What was her name?"

                I said, "Mary something. I couldn't make out her surname."
                She said, "Did you meet her in a loud club."

                I said, "No. There was a lot of moss on the headstone."

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Jokes

                  Well, I have some anti-jokes.

                  A man walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.

                  -

                  A black man, an Asian man, and a white man are sitting on a bench in the park.

                  They ignore each other due to cultural differences.

                  -

                  Did you guys hear the one about the woman who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge?

                  She's in critical condition and not expected to recover.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Jokes

                    Originally posted by shorty View Post
                    Well, I have some anti-jokes.

                    A man walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.

                    -

                    A black man, an Asian man, and a white man are sitting on a bench in the park.

                    They ignore each other due to cultural differences.

                    -

                    Did you guys hear the one about the woman who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge?

                    She's in critical condition and not expected to recover.
                    Talk about a buzz kill!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Jokes

                      Originally posted by GunGrave TZA View Post
                      There is one joke that rules them all. The Aristocrats.

                      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw10xa_xtNg

                      Please be warned: This is the most dirty, disgusting and vile joke I have ever heard, but it's also the funniest I have ever heard. Viewer discretion advised.

                      Edit: Feel free to post versions you think are "funnier" (there are hundreds of videos of the joke from famous comedians as they change they key bit to their own variation on it, the one linked above is just one of the funniest ones in my opinion).
                      Wasn't that funny if I'm honest. It was disgusting and dirty yeah, but wasn't that bad compared to half the stuff I've received from mates on texts.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Jokes

                        The Aristocrats.
                        I remember seeing that film when it came out -- our lecturer recommended it to us.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Jokes

                          In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. Panadol is Paracetamol, Amoxil is Amoxicillin, Nurofen is called Ibuprofen, and so on. The federal drug administration has been looking for a generic name for viagra, and announced that its not sure which to choose from out of:

                          1 - Mycoxafloppin
                          2 - Mycoxafailin
                          3 - Mydixadrupin
                          4 - Mydixarizin
                          5 - Mydixadud
                          6 - Dixafix

                          and finally...

                          7 - Ibepokin

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Jokes

                            when the teacher asked her 5 year old students to recite psalm 23, johnny said the lord is my shepherd, then sat down. the teacher said johnny is that all you know. johnny said that's all i need to know.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Jokes

                              Originally posted by arenee View Post
                              when the teacher asked her 5 year old students to recite psalm 23, johnny said the lord is my shepherd, then sat down. the teacher said johnny is that all you know. johnny said that's all i need to know.
                              Edit: Why the heck did i quote this^ It's right above this.


                              That's actually pretty epic.
                              I like to bring a little irony to a firefight-Resistance member from Half-Life 2

                              Comment

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