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  • #46
    Re: Jokes

    "Whenever I input a command on my computer that it doesn't understand, a window pops up that says: 'F___ you. I don't do that.'"
    "Keep calm, and be grateful."

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    • #47
      Re: Jokes

      When going across the street - don't loot at traffic lights, loot at cars. Traffic lights never run anyone over you know...

      I was kicked out of the house. For non-attendance...

      We don't see each other often enough just to drink tea.

      Loneliness is when you always know who left dirty dishes in the kitchen.

      Personally, I put money into the whiskey! Where else can you get 40%?

      Yesterday I went to a store named "All for soccer". Bought a beer, cigarettes and television.

      - What are the two words shark love?
      - Man Overboard!
      If you are afraid of gaining weight - drink 2 glasses of vine before every meal. Alcohol kills fear...

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      • #48
        Re: Jokes

        No a popular thread, but I'll continue anyway:

        - Honey, do you like my hair?
        - Sure, especially in today's f**king soup!

        An advertisiment in a newspaper: Will meet a beautiful and kind lady...kinda bored of sleeping with ugly and angry ones.

        According to Moldovan scientists most vitamins are not found in fruits - these ar efound in drug stores.

        When I see another "Drink or drive" sign I always remember that I have no other choice since I have no car.

        The doorbell:
        - Hello, I'm your neighbor?
        - Top or bottom?
        - What? Maybe we'll meet first?

        - Honey, I have a headache.
        - Don't worry, you brain is probably growing.

        Mother is talking to her son:
        - Son, here is a picture. This is your real dad.
        - Oh f**k, I'm photo's son!

        When my grandfather comes home at night he always smells like whiskey and grandmothers.

        Software developer is a species which converts coffee into software.

        Yesterday I went to a casino for the first time...I always drove there before.

        A good wife always forgives her husband when she is wrong.

        Hangover - it's when you feel like your toothpaste contains alcohol too.

        A girl with no eduvcation is looking for a corresponding job.

        I want a remote control with "Please don't show any c**p" button on it.
        If you are afraid of gaining weight - drink 2 glasses of vine before every meal. Alcohol kills fear...

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        • #49
          Re: Jokes

          True in 99% of cases:

          - Why do you need your iPad? You are a musician, right?
          - No.
          - Painter?
          - No.
          - Engineer?
          - Nope. I bought it to throw birds at pigs.
          If you are afraid of gaining weight - drink 2 glasses of vine before every meal. Alcohol kills fear...

          Comment


          • #50
            Re: Jokes

            Looks like I'm the only one reading this thread Anyway, a bit more:

            Not every girl believes in love at first sight - it's really hard to estimate how much money a man makes just looking at him.

            - My dear daughter, this guy is lame, squint-eyed, bald...do not marry him.
            - And I don't need a handsome man!
            - I'm not what I mean. Have pity on him - he got enough problems already.

            What are the similarities between any brothel and any FIAT? Ashamed to go in and out, but quite nice while inside.

            Mongolian Kinder-Surprise always contain the same toy - the yolk!

            It is said that two eggs, if you step on them accurately, can withstand the weight of one person... Can you imagine the reaction of this poor sunbathing guy?

            Hmm, interesting observation - why do naked girls never look silly?

            I don't understand what do people find cool in these drugs? Who said that anthracite sunset having its curls fading into unrealisticly crimson lake situated on the edge of pretentious royal ancient forest in which the mutant ants with bright bluish hoofs live and trample this mortal Earth full of careless bears the same age is cool?

            In Basmanny Court yesterday a trial of a famous spammer was held. The defendant was sentenced to six months of breast and ***** enlargement operations.
            If you are afraid of gaining weight - drink 2 glasses of vine before every meal. Alcohol kills fear...

            Comment


            • #51
              Re: Jokes

              Did you hear about the blind circumciser?

              He got the sack
              you are gonna shit yourself when you see what i've done to your life!

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              • #52
                Re: Jokes

                I went to a seafood disco last night and pulled a muscle
                you are gonna shit yourself when you see what i've done to your life!

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                • #53
                  Re: Jokes

                  When I'm not sure how to act in any confusing situation, I always ask for both opinions - coming from "good me" and "bad me". "Bad me" usually gives better advises, but you can't hit people that often...
                  If you are afraid of gaining weight - drink 2 glasses of vine before every meal. Alcohol kills fear...

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    Re: Jokes

                    Talk between apartment owner (OW) and house management company (CO) regarding his/her bill:
                    OW: What the hell? 70 EUR for gas?
                    CO: Yes, what's wrong with that?
                    OW: My oven is electric.
                    CO: Well, we still poor gas in your apartment.
                    OW: Why???
                    CO: Our house management company suspects that you are not true Aryan.
                    If you are afraid of gaining weight - drink 2 glasses of vine before every meal. Alcohol kills fear...

                    Comment

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